I have always found it hard to finish the thing I started. I guess I’m not constant enough, I change my mind too easily. I don’t know. Usually, I start something and soon enough something else caught my attention. Many times I have seen this as a problem because I tend to compare myself to others. I see that many people simply set a goal and after some time they get it. To me, is not that simple: I’m constantly wondering whether or not I have made THE right decision. I begin to think about all the things that I could be doing and I get lost in endless options.
I haven’t solved this issue yet…
But, at the same time, there’s something about this whole process that I have always found it hard to relate to. I’m not like the main character of a movie, that right from the beginning knows exactly what he wants, and so the script only narrates his journey to that goal. I have doubts. Tons of doubts. This has led me to think that maybe there’s something about this approach to life that simply doesn’t work with me. Either because I’m different or simply because I don’t want to live like that.
In this post, I want to examine and disassemble this approach to life that from now on I’ll call “The Hollywood paradigm”. In future posts, I’d like to introduce you to a different way of seeing life that I haven’t completely understood yet, but it is slowly beginning to feel better, to feel mine.
The Hollywood paradigm (I couldn’t come up with a better name, sorry)
This way of seeing life can be summarized in 4 steps:
- The main character sets out a goal
- He/She knows that once he gets that, he will feel good/complete/happy
- He goes over a path to reach that goal
- He gets what he was looking for. He’s happy. The movie ends
The first thing I notice here is the implicit chronological order: Our hero first knows what he wants and THEN he elaborates a plan to get it. The first step is to pose a goal, the second step is to find a way to get that. From this perspective, the path I choose to go is just a consequence of my final destination. Is a means to an end. I decide to do certain things because that’s the way I’m gonna get what I want to achieve. The result determines the process: If I want to get money (result) I have to work (process). The faster and more effective my process is, the better. I’m only interested in the results. The fact that I like or dislike my job is not as important as the result. Even if I think of different ways of getting money, I still have a very clear goal in mind: “make money”
Another thing that is taken for granted in movies is that the character is completely sure that he wants to save the world, rescue the girl, heal from a disease or whatever he has decided to do. He doesn’t ask himself if the relationship with the girl has a future, or what is the point of saving the world if it will remain full of people trying to destroy it. The main character knows for sure that once he reaches his goal he will feel complete. There’re no doubts about it.
This relates directly with the previous point: Since the path, I’m about to take is only a means to an end, I need to know that my goal makes sense to me. If I’m willing to risk my life to save the world, I need to be convinced that is worth it. I need to be entirely convinced that once I reach my goal I will feel good, if not, my daily life would not make sense. I need to know that this is really going to happen, therefore I need to firmly believe my thoughts about the future, I need to trust in my entire belief system.
And here is where thing starts to get messy for me because I don’t completely believe in that. So I start to invest energy in convincing myself that my theories about life are true: “having money will make me happy”. How do I convince myself? Trough unconscious behaviors or biases assessments about certain situations: If I don’t have enough money I feel sad, If I earn some money I feel relatively happy, if I don’t work hard enough I push myself to work harder, to earn more money. This might sound extremely logic, but those actions are not needed to actually make money. They don’t get me closer to my goal. (At least in my case, nobody pays me to be sad). So, why do I do that? I have those behaviors to keep feeding my beliefs, to keep being right, to be able to get into the character and self-persuade myself into believe/know that what I’m doing makes sense. “Yep, is real, the reason why I feel sad is because of the lack of money. Having more money will solve all of my problems.”
I’m trying to achieve my goal and, at the same time, I’m trying to prove that my beliefs are real. I’m using money as an example, but the same applies to any belief. This is not about a particular belief, is the way I relate to my beliefs. I could believe anything: That having a lover will make me happy, that eating meat is unhealthy, that traveling is a good investment, anything. No matter what I believe in, I’m going to be constantly trying to probe that affirmation. And I’ll do -unconsciously- certain thing in order to persuade me and others that my thoughts about reality are true so that I can truly believe in the story I’m making up. On one side I’m trying to have more money, and on the other side I’m believing I’m unhappy because of the lack of money and I want to perpetuate this believe because supposedly I need that to achieve my goal.
But let’s assume for a little bit that my theory about having money is, without a doubt, completely true. It will definitely make me happier to have tons of money. I feel confident, I elaborate a plan, I go out and I actually make it. How do I know that having tons of money was what I really wanted?
Have you ever heard the phrase: “The only limit is your own imagination”. It ain’t just a catchy phrase used by companies who want to sell fishy artistic products, is also a real thing: Imagination is limited. I already mentioned that my path is determined thus limited by what I want to achieve. At the same time what I want to achieve is limited by what I can imagine beforehand. My goals are rigid and limited concepts. Happiness can only be found in predictable things.
Is like traveling strictly following indications on a map. Instead of exploring and find interesting things on the road, I travel fast, trying to get to those 2 or 3 important places mentioned on the map. Those are the only few things that worth experiencing while I travel/live. But, what if the map is wrong or incomplete? What if the thing I believe that I want is not the thing that I really want? What if my brain has some failures and it makes me think that I want a certain thing that I don’t actually want? What If I’m not able to see what I really want or need?
Let’s recap: I set a goal that determines my daily life because I must focus on getting that thing that I KNOW will make me happy. In order to really KNOW that my goal will make me feel good and that what I’m doing makes sense, I interpret reality in a specific way to reinforce my beliefs (If I don’t have money I feel sad). At the end I finally get what I was looking for and -if I still believe in my own theories- I feel happy. I could have achieved different things that I was not able to imagine, but overall I’m happy. What’s wrong with this approach?
Nothing
A lot of people live this way, they get what they want and they are happy (at least that’s what I see). Is an efficient, goal-oriented way of life. It has nothing wrong. However is something that I, personally, find exhausting because it requires skills or qualities that I don’t have at the moment. To achieve things I should be more persistent / determined / focus / constant/confident. Is should make fewer questions, I shouldn’t over-think, I should finish what I’ve started. Bottom line: I should be someone else.
I grew up believing this was the only way of getting things done and that led me to a dead end, to a confusing paradox: How do I do to achieve the qualities I need to achieve in order to achieve things if I’m not currently able to achieve anything because I lack those qualities?. (complex, isn’t it?). It’s like trying to open a box that can only be opened with the key that it’s inside the box.
There must be another way of opening the box.
I believe that’s what I’m trying to do here: Build a method that feels natural to me, that allows me to integrate the qualities I have, instead of neglecting them. Be able to efficiently use my “defects” to my advantage.
Be persistent, confident and so on, would be great, but I don’t have any of those tools right now, what can I do with what I have?
I can live in uncertainty.
PS to the sensitive cinephile: I know not every character in every Hollywood movie follow these principles, and I know that there’s a whole universe of movies outside the Hollywood world. I’m generalizing and using films just as examples to explain this in a way that I believe is easier. Chill out bro!